Poltergeist

Dear Flash,

So there we were sitting quietly in the living room, when we suddenly heard the most unearthly sounds coming from the kitchen.  And then we realized Jay was out there all alone!  I immediately saw the concern in your face, and was touched that you rushed right in without hesitation to save him.  Perhaps next time, though, you might assess the situation before you disturb the neighbors with the volume of your barking.  Because I’m pretty sure Jay had complete control over the tape measure, and was in no danger whatsoever.

Love, Nina

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War of Tug

Dear Flash,

Communication is a matter of two or more beings understanding one another.  This can happen in a number of ways. For people, words, tone, and volume all indicate various levels of importance and urgency in a message.  In animals body language may be the key indicator.  For example, you are clearly eager to have a tug of war with the cat.  His turned back and flattened ears may infer that he would rather not engage in that activity.  And as you have no doubt experienced on a number of occasions, he has claws and teeth everywhere and is not afraid to use them.  I’ll just get the bandages now so not too much blood is spilled on the couch when the inevitable occurs.

Love, Nina

Hostess with the Mostest

Dear Flash,

Years ago, before you were a part of our lives, we were known as gracious hosts and frequently entertained all sorts of guests. And while gracious is in the eye of the beholder, the definition usually excludes such behavior as sneaking lipstick out of purses, chewing on someone’s shoes under the table (while they are wearing them!), stealing a baby’s bottle, or poking your nose in a guest’s rump. Please refrain from these behaviors in the future, as some of these people will be responsible for picking out my nursing home when I’m older.

Love, Nina

Language Barrier

Dear Flash,
We need to work on our communication. Some words, like popcorn, are fun and rewarding. Some words, like sit, require more discipline and patience. I hope that over time you can respond with equal enthusiasm to both.
Love, Nina

Bathing Without a Battle

Dear Flash,

As a rule of thumb, cleaning oneself should be a relatively minor uneventful procedure, something that is done in order to make oneself presentable and move forward with something fun and social for the day.  It should not create such havoc in the bathroom that the ceiling must be scrubbed at the completion of the event.  Nor should one be able to scrub off enough debris from their body that they actually lose weight as a result of the process.

Love, Nina

Remote Control

Dear Flash,

It is certainly my goal to be as fair as possible at all times.  And I guess I can understand occasionally that you feel the need to complain when things are not going your way.  Maybe if you understood certain parameters, things would be easier to accept.  Therefore, consider yourself informed that even though you have figured out how to roll the car windows down, I will lock the controls to prevent you from doing so when we are sitting in traffic and it is 100 degrees out.

Love, Nina