Measure of a Dog

Dear Flash,

Standardized measures are an important part of any scientific process.  They are meant to level they playing field and provide neutrality so that the assessor cannot be swayed by mitigating factors, such as a cocked head or cute facial expression.  Try as you might, you will not convince the tape measure that your legs are more than 4″ long.

Love, Nina

Gesundheit

Dear Flash,

Here boy!  Come on over here and pose for me, in your favorite spot in front of the fire place.  Now hold still.  Wait just a minute…Wait!  Don’t sneeze…don’t sneeze…don’t sneeze…Dang it!  Too late.

Love, Nina

Defying Gravity

Dear Flash,

Settle down there, Turbo.  At best, you are short and chunky.  Most people would call you fat.  Sir Isaac Newton did extensive research on this subject, and his findings are fairly conclusive in your case.  You can play with Hope as enthusiastically as you want, but you will never be able to defy gravity.

Love, Nina

Patient Puppy, Angry Birds

Dear Flash,

It’s hard, I know, waiting for your turn at Angry Birds.  But Jacob is pretty good, and is likely to be at it a while.  Even then, you don’t have thumbs so it’s going to be pretty hard for you to play.

Love, Nina

Neighborhood Watch

Where would you go?  What would you do?

If today I stopped restraining you?

Across the street?  Around the park?

Or would you just stand still and bark?

The neighborhood would be so freaked

To see what havoc could be wreaked.

You’d herd the kids or chase a cat

And strut around to prove you’re fat.

You’d wag your little tail of fluff

While snooping through their private stuff.

You’d lure them in because you’re cute

And sneak away with all their loot.

Upon their bushes you would pee

And then you’d come back home to me.

The cops would then take me to jail,

I’d plead my case to no avail.

All of this just sounds too hard.

I’m putting you back in the yard.

The End of the World as We Know It

Dear Flash,

I wish I had a better picture of this event.  Somehow the blurry image snapped with my i-phone through the spotted window at dusk doesn’t do this happening justice.  I wish I had a better vocabulary.  My words all seem to be failing me at this moment.  I find myself wondering how you got up there, and why.  Maybe I don’t want to know.  But I’m guessing the answer is in the neighborhood of 42, and I’m going now to fetch you a towel.

Love, Nina

Queen for a Day

Dear Flash,

Apparently there is a TV series about the work that the royal family does in the UK.  I watched an episode last night, and was astounded to learn the role the Queen’s Corgis play in her daily work life.  Therefore I have decided on the following:

In this household, I am the Queen.  Everything you need to know begins and ends with that fact.  You will precede me to every event, thereby announcing that I am coming and everyone should be prepared to worship me.  You are to roll over, sit, beg, shake, or do whatever else it takes to give people the impression that I myself are young and agile, and detract from the fact that I am really old and busted.  You will entertain the throngs of people for hours on end, thereby convincing people that I am working hard and erase all doubt that I should be compensated beyond all measure for having 400 people to tea.  You will come when you are called, so that all acknowledge my supreme authority in my own household.  And above all, you will let your pedigree shine so that the masses are not left to question the quality of my own breeding as if I am a simple hillbilly from Montana.

Thanks much,

Nina