The Matrix Doggie Style

Dear Flash,

I am the first to admit I enjoy a good movie. And you know as well as anyone that my guilty little pleasure is a great action flick chock full of special effects. I remember sitting in amazement the first time I saw The Matrix (and not just because Keanu Reeves was smokin’ hot!). It took my brain a few minutes to catch up with what my eyes were beholding. I was left reeling with wonderment over what computerized trickery was necessary to accomplish such feats.

I experienced a similar sensation tonight in my own living room. I watched you try to sit, speak, lay down, shake, and roll over, all at once. It was as if time stood still as you contorted your little body into positions I am quite certain are considered unnatural for a dog of your stature. It was a little like watching a clown car slam into a tree made of jello: I hoped nobody got hurt because I was laughing so hard I peed my pants a little.

For the record, I have two critiques of tonight’s performance. First, no apple is worth that kind of effort. And second, trying to turn your head upside down while in a sitting position does not constitute “rolling over”.

Love, Nina

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Rub a Dub Dub

Dear Flash,

You are cordially invited to a day at the groomer’s. And wait, there’s more! Bubble bath and blow dry included at no extra charge! And I’m not done yet. You will also receive a manicure and pedicure! Just when it sounds too fabulous to believe, you also get your ears cleaned! And, as an added bonus, you get your hair trimmed! This is an offer you can’t refuse. No, really. I won’t let you refuse. Because one’s butt should not have feathers.

Love, Nina

PS. This is an offer you can’t refuse. Seriously. There is a door, and you are on a leash.

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Fart in a Skillet

O Flash the mighty, Flash the brave

Your flatulence I wish you’d save

For another time, another place

So’s not to waft into my face.

I’ll be polite and call the smell

Skunk within the bowels of hell.

Your butt cheeks flap when you pass gas,

I think the odor has a mass.

Did something crawl in there and die?

It brings a tear into my eye.

The paint is melting from the wall

The floor caught fire in the hall

The cat passed out, the houseplants died.

The haz-mat team has just arrived.

The EPA imposed a fine

For cutting cheese without the wine.

You are such a goofy mutt-

I just saw you lick your butt!

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Always After Me Lucky Charms

Dear Flash,

Did I ever tell you about my friend Jim (may he rest in peace)?

Jim was born and raised in Ireland, and a cute hoor to boot. What a character! If bullshit was music, he’d be a ceili band. Oh, he lived the life of Rielly! With a twinkle in his eye and a quick wink, he could charm the socks right off you.

One day, though, Jim was completely banjanxed. I mean as ignorant as a sack of arses. Completely loopers! He was brickin’ it, bejaspers, stripped right down to his cacks and blathering on about the leprechauns. Never one to let a leprechaun escape, I decided to B.L.O and have a dekko. It was then, in the cupboard, that I discovered a quare thing indeed: he was flamin’ elephants! There be a magnum of Jameson’s Irish Whiskey, with only an inch left in the bottom.

I tell this story today only because one of these two things must be true: either I have had too much of the Irish, or you have been frolicking in the freshly mown grass. Now which is it?

Love, Nina

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I Won’t Go to Jail for You

(or, How I Came to Call Jay at Dialysis for Bail Money)

Dear Flash,

Gawd A-mighty, boy. I can’t take you anywhere.

Sure, the walk started out fine. But I should have known the minute we were approached by the game warden no good would come of it. Oh sure, at first you seemed friendly enough. You lured the officer in with your little corgi grin, and let him scratch your back. I was a little embarrassed that you shed on him like you did (note to self: make an appointment at the groomer’s). But I had no idea what was coming next. My friend, everybody on God’s Green Earth except for you knows that you don’t, under any circumstances, pee on a law enforcement officer.

Have fun in jail.

Love, Nina

PS. Sorry, Occifer. I was so mortified I cut your head off with my finger when I took the photo.

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