Loofa Palooza

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Dear Flash,

As a child, it was not uncommon for me to spend the night in the hayloft of the barn with 40 of my closest cousins. I grew up in Butte, Montana, where a typical night of entertainment in high school was a tire iron fight on the main drag. I worked my way through school in bars and restaurants, many of them in areas of limited sophistication. I had an internship in the ER, working with people with mental illness and substance abuse problems in moments of crisis. I presently serve Alzheimer’s patients for a living. I have been married for 30 years. I really was beginning to think I had probably seen everything. Until now.

Where in the name of all that is Holy did you find the loofa, and what process in your little pea brain made you think it was a dog toy? Did you use it to scrub the butt feathers off of your hiney? Please tell me you did not use it on either of the cats. And most importantly, where is it now? On second thought, don’t tell me. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know the answers to any of these questions.

You continue to amaze.

Love, Nina

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Help!

Dear Hope,

Let me start by saying, you need give Nina some grandchildren. Soon. Or maybe it’s time to just put her in a home.

I was so excited this afternoon when she invited me for a walk in the park. It all started out just fine – me doing my Happy Dog Dance at the door, Nina rummaging in the bench seat for poopy sacks. I had my usual *ahem* “constitutional” as soon as we got in the park, and pranced like a Lipizzaner pony to attract attention and collect pats on the head. When we got to the playground, though, there was an ugly and unexpected turn of events. She put ME on the jungle gym. There was an awkward moment when she tried to push my rotund rumpus down the slide. Things got downright dangerous when she completely ignored the fact that I DON’T HAVE ANY THUMBS and tried to suspend me from the monkey bars.

I think the ol’ girl’s done gone ’round the bend a little bit.

Help!

Flash

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