Oh, Flash…

Flash vs. Physics:

Physics: A dog resembling a loaf of bread with 4 inch legs should not be able to scale a 3-foot counter.
Flash: Managed to retrieve a 2 quart Tupperware container of trail mix from said counter.

Physics: Opposable thumbs are required to open Tupperware.
Flash: Managed to pry open said container and retrieve the contents.

Physics: 2 quarts of trail mix should not fit in a Corgi’s stomach.
Flash: *burp*

Physics: 2 quarts of trail mix should not create more than 2 quarts of poop.
Flash: Ate the trail mix 3 days ago. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

Physics: A 40 pound dog who poops more than 40 pounds should disappear.
Flash: Still here, bigger than life.

Flash 5, Physics 0.

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Mini Me

Dear Flash,

Mysteries abound.

At first I thought somehow the little procedure you had to remove you from the gene pool had failed. My brain fused as it tried to cope with the possibility of twice the amount of cat poop being strewn throughout the house, twice the number of nose-to-butt violations daily, and twice the amount of def-con one volume barking to alert us to the invasion of the squirrels. Then I realized the small one was waaaaaaay too well-behaved to be real. Crisis averted.

I gave it away just to be safe.

Love, Nina

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There’s a Beer in My Rear

Dear Flash,

Oh, I know, I haven’t been writing as much lately, so much so that I had convinced myself you were a normal dog. I was so fixed in this delusion, in fact, that I actually thought it was a good idea to ask a friend to dog-sit while Jay and I were away this weekend. I didn’t bat an eye when she offered to take you to her house, rather than come to feed you here. I admit to having a gnawing in my gut when I got off the plane in Seattle and had a text about you rolling down the car windows on the way to her house, but it was too late to change my mind at that point.

I am strangely curious as to how this happened, and at the same time repulsed by the fact that it did happen while you were at someone else’s house. I can only imagine the private little party going on in your head when you hopped up on Amy’s table, chugged a Coors Light and took a drag on the cigarette. I wonder if you were aware she would be in contact with me, and there would be photographic evidence of the event. Then again, I wonder if it would occur to you to care that this behavior was considered socially unacceptable.

You are a piece of work.

Love, Nina

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Sour Puss

Dear Flash,

You, my dear friend, are one of the most indiscriminate beings I know when it comes to things you are willing to put in your mouth. Amongst the things I have seen you eat lo these many years: used gum laying in the gutter, fish guts, and at least three kinds of poop. I have seen you lick your butt, cat butts, dirty mud puddles, and the bottom of the barbecue. You clearly covet the trash can and all the glorious mysteries within. So why is it, then, that you react with such aversion when presented with a bright, fresh, delicious lemon?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Love, Nina

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Jekyll and Hyde

Dear Flash,

Let’s get a few things straight. You, sir, are a dog. And a little fox-faced bunny-butted fluff ball at that. You have presented me with a cat toy. A fuzzy faux-mouse with pink ears. And you did this all with enthusiasm and full-body wagging. All that was needed was a girl-dog eating spaghetti while cheesy love songs were playing to make this a scene right out of a Disney movie. So when I do not throw the toy for you, it is waaaaaaaay too late to try to intimidate me by getting your fierce on.

Love, Nina

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Freedom

Dear Flash,

The words of our forefathers echo in my ears today, and stir my heart in ways you can’t imagine.

These are the people who asserted, in the face of tyranny, that we are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

These are the people who committed, in the face of inner turmoil, that a government of the people, by the people, and for the people, shall not perish from this earth.

These are the people who recognized, with the nation at the brink of financial collapse, that there is nothing to fear but fear itself.

These are the people who challenged, at a time doubt, to ask not what our country could do for us, but to ask what we could do for our country.

These are the people who had a dream.

Powerful words of a strong and diverse people. Our journey together has been a winding path, always searching for ways to spread our arms and expand our embrace. Yes, we have been lost at times, but have always seen our way through turmoil to growth and peace. As a people, we have a forward momentum which promises to sustain and nurture us for many more centuries to come. Many thanks are due to those who have led us on this road, and who have sacrificed that we may continue on.

Happy Independence Day, my friend.

Love, Nina

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The Matrix Doggie Style

Dear Flash,

I am the first to admit I enjoy a good movie. And you know as well as anyone that my guilty little pleasure is a great action flick chock full of special effects. I remember sitting in amazement the first time I saw The Matrix (and not just because Keanu Reeves was smokin’ hot!). It took my brain a few minutes to catch up with what my eyes were beholding. I was left reeling with wonderment over what computerized trickery was necessary to accomplish such feats.

I experienced a similar sensation tonight in my own living room. I watched you try to sit, speak, lay down, shake, and roll over, all at once. It was as if time stood still as you contorted your little body into positions I am quite certain are considered unnatural for a dog of your stature. It was a little like watching a clown car slam into a tree made of jello: I hoped nobody got hurt because I was laughing so hard I peed my pants a little.

For the record, I have two critiques of tonight’s performance. First, no apple is worth that kind of effort. And second, trying to turn your head upside down while in a sitting position does not constitute “rolling over”.

Love, Nina

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