Fear in the Heart of God

Dear Flash,

What was Hope thinking?

Inviting you over to model good adult dog behavior is a little bit like turning a fat kid loose in a cupcake factory. Sadly. Sammy is a fast learner. Not only did she pick up on every bad habit you showed her, but she was able to replicate each one tenfold. Based on everything I observed last night, and the fact that combined the two of you combined pee enough to flood the earth, I anticipate consequences of Biblical proportions.

I’m second thought what was God thinking?

Love, Nina

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Thank Heaven for Little Girls

Dear Flash,

On your first Thanksgiving, you clearly felt blessed by your cousin Josie. So blessed, in fact, that you acted on your perceptions in the living room in front of the children. (The words, “Aunt Nina, Flash plays funny!” will forever echo in my head, and no doubt prompted some uncomfortable conversations in each of my brothers’ households.) You clearly have forgotten how cold the snow was, when you were thrown out into it when it was 15 degrees below zero. Did you also forget the little procedure as soon as we got home which ended in the removal of your boy bits?

Fast forward 7 years. New cousin Trudy, no children present, and you clearly felt emboldened enough to invite her into your bed. Right there in the living room in front of all of us. And she’s only a puppy, certainly making it a crime no matter what state you live in. Forgive me, but that just ain’t right, no matter who you are. Consider yourself separated.

Love, Nina

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